Life Lessons: Part 2

If You're Not Willing to Work Through Your Pain, People Around You Are the Ones Who Feel It

We've all heard the saying, "hurt people, hurt people." And while it may sound cliché, there is profound truth in it. I know for myself, I hurt many people unintentionally, including my parents and siblings because I didn’t work through the pain I experienced or the suffering that I went through.

I thought that I could escape it by avoiding it, but the truth is when we try to escape discomfort we end up trying to mask it, and it remains unresolved. Unresolved pain becomes like landslide, leaving a wake of destruction and further damage in its path.

For many years I struggled with disordered eating, irritability and anger. I wish quick to lash out, or say hurtful things - I learned quickly that by acting out meant people would give me space and leave me alone. It wasn’t intended to hurt them, rather than protect myself and protect the who cared about me from seeing how I was truly feeling.

When we go through traumatic events, setbacks, or heartbreaks, the pain often doesn’t stop with us. Our reactions, behaviors, and attitudes can ripple outward, affecting the people around us in subtle and not-so-subtle ways.

The Mask of Unresolved Pain

Many times, pain manifests itself as anger, addictions, frustration, withdrawal, or even aggression. We wear a mask to try to hide the hurt, but the mask is not impenetrable - The ones closest to us often bear the brunt of the emotional shrapnel. Our pain can quickly turn into their pain, creating a cycle of hurt that can be very challenging to break.

Much like second-hand smoke, "second-hand pain" is an unintended consequence for those in close proximity to the sufferer. It's when children grow up with a distant or angry parent, spouses feel the chill from an emotionally detached partner, or colleagues tiptoe around a perpetually irritable coworker. This 'pain' they feel might not be direct, but it has an impact and a profound ripple effect.

The Role of Empathy and Understanding

Our relationships often act as mirrors, reflecting back what we put out. When we're unwilling to address and work through our pain, we might unintentionally create an environment of tension, mistrust, or detachment. The people around us often sense when something is off, even if they can't quite put their finger on it.

For those on the receiving end of second-hand pain, empathy can be a powerful tool. Recognizing that someone's erratic behavior might be a cry for help or a manifestation of their trauma can lead to understanding rather than resentment. Opening up a dialogue, offering support, and sometimes setting boundaries can help protect your well-being while understanding theirs.

The Gift of Self-Awareness & journey of healing

Self-awareness is perhaps the first step to breaking the cycle. When we can pause and ask ourselves why we're reacting a certain way, we get closer to the root of the problem. It allows us to take a step back, apologize if needed, and seek the necessary support.

While it is essential to recognize the impact of our pain on others, it's equally crucial to understand that healing is a personal journey. It requires acknowledging the pain, understanding its roots, and seeking support, whether through therapy, counseling, or self-help avenues. Often, merely starting this process can shift our interactions with others, breaking the cycle of unintentional hurt.

Pain, unfortunately, is a part of life. However, letting it fester unaddressed does not only harm us but also those we cherish. By confronting our pain, seeking healing, and nurturing our relationships with understanding, we can transform our lives and the lives of those around us. Remember, by addressing our pain, we're not just doing it for ourselves, but for every soul we touch.