BOUNDARIES

Setting Boundaries: Why They Are Important and How to Do It

Setting boundaries is a crucial part of maintaining healthy relationships with others and with yourself. Unfortunately, many of us were never taught how to set boundaries, or we have misconceptions about what they are and how to enforce them. In this post, we'll explore what boundaries are, why they are important, and how to set them.

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are the lines we draw around ourselves to define what is acceptable behavior from others and ourselves. They can be physical, emotional, mental, and even spiritual. Setting boundaries is about respecting your own needs and values, as well as respecting the needs and values of others. Most people set boundaries like underground electric fences. They are not clear to other people, and when crossed get angry, create conflict or feel frusrated. This leads to a cascade of negative emotions which could include guilt, shame, frustration, sadness or even failed relationships.

Why are boundaries important?

Boundaries are essential for maintaining healthy relationships, whether it's with your partner, family, friends, or coworkers. They help to establish a clear understanding of what is and isn't acceptable behavior, which can reduce conflict and improve communication. Boundaries also promote self-esteem, reduce anxiety, and help you feel safe and understood.

Setting boundaries with yourself

Before setting boundaries with others, it's important to set boundaries with yourself. This means getting clarity on who you are, what you want, and what your core values are. If you don't know what's important to you, your lines will always be blurry.

When setting boundaries with yourself, don't make strict "rules." Instead, gain clarity on what you want to achieve and then set realistic expectations. For example, instead of saying, "I can't hit snooze in the morning," say, "I will get up at 5 am Monday to Friday and not hit snooze." By following through, you are respecting your boundaries and will gain confidence.

Boundaries aren’t rules - they are empowered choices that are in alignment with your values and who you want to show up as in the world. This can include taking care of yourself, following through on your commitments, and avoiding distractions like social media when you should be working.

Setting boundaries with others

Instead of making imaginary lines, communicate with clarity. Be firm but kind, and avoid being cruel, as this can kill communication. For example, if your mom keeps talking about your body in front of your kids, say, "Mom, if you keep talking about my body in front of my kids, I will no longer invite you for dinner with our family." You don't need to explain yourself, but it can be helpful to include a "why" statement, like "because I want to be a good role model for my kids and ensure they don't have body dysmorphia or eating disorders when they grow up."

Always communicate with kindness - if you communicate from a place of “F*$% you” energy, the other person will likely shut down or respond negatively.

If you do communicate with kindness and the person responds negatveily, understand that their triggers and how they act is not your responsibility. We cannot control how others behave, so its pointless to tell someone they “can’t” or “shouldn’t” do something. All you can do is express how their behaviour or lack of, is affecting you and make a suggestion for them to change how they are acting - make sure the consequence is clear. “I will leave the room if you continue to raise your voice at me, I feel uncomfortable when you do that”.

One of my favourite quotes from Brook Castillo is, “Don’t worry about someone being wrong about you”. If your boundaries make other people think you’re boring, or lame, or even selfish -- that’s okay! Their opinion doesn’t change how you treat yourself, what your values and needs are and it definitely shouldn’t steal your peace.

Summary and benefits

Let go of guilt around boundaries. Saying "no" to preserve your mental health and energy isn't selfish or mean; it's simply respecting yourself. Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries can have a range of benefits, including less anger and resentment, greater self-esteem, less anxiety, less conflict, more confidence, feeling understood, and feeling safe. By understanding what boundaries are, why they are important, and how to set them, you can improve your relationships and your own well-being. Remember that boundaries are about respecting yourself and others, and they can help you live a happier, healthier life.